Speaking to msn, Jane Greer, PhD, a marriage and family therapist in New York City, suggests the following four steps for figuring out where to spend your holidays when you're part of a couple.
Start planning early.
If you're married, Greer suggests figuring this out before the holidays even come. And sure, it would be ideal for you to have this outlined already seeing as we're in mid-december. But luckily, it's not too late to tone down the disagreement if there is one. Remember, she says, this is a touchy subject - so don't just think about your own feelings. Your honey has traditions he or she feels close to, too.
Work out a long-term schedule.
While it's the moment that counts, it's key to remember that there will be many more holidays to come. This is not the last year you'll be celebrating. Start out by figuring out which holidays are priorities for each of you and your respective families. For instance, if you've got a sibling who travels from far away to be with your family on Thanksgiving, you should celebrate with her. However, if you have the same holiday priorities, then you'll have to divide evenly. Dr. Greer suggested the following options to her interviewer at msn: Switch years (her family's house for 2005; his for 2006); stick to a day (she always gets T-Day; he always gets Hanukkah); swap them (she gets New Year's this year; he gets it next); drive a lot (she gets the eve; he gets the day). If none of these work for you, try hosting yourself! You can invite everyone from both sides and let them decide where to go. Either way, planning ahead saves issues in the long run, so get going!
Stay calm and compromise.
You want your Aunt's special recipe lasagne that she only serves on Christmas and the idea that you may not have it is upsetting. It's understandable. So, if things get tense while you're figuring out your plans, stay quiet and write things down. Dr. Greer says that both of you should list the pros and cons of spending each holiday at each place, and suggest an itinerary that respects both of your needs. If talking is out of the question because things are particularly heated, switch papers, read each other's notes and choose at least one thing you'll agree to. Don't talk until you've found a compromise.
Remember you're a family.
If you're in a long term relationship and especially if you're married, the two of you are now a team of your own (even though your part of each other's "original teams"). Making your holiday schedule should not be a power struggle. When breaking the bad news to your parents, leave out any negative comments and use the pronoun "we" while addressing what "we can do so that both of us are happy." Greer also says to make sure you remind your families when you'll be celebrating with them. She says that this is a major step in learning to balance both your worlds to find a happy medium.
| Still struggling with compromise? Call and get help now! | |