All things must pass
All things must pass away - George Harrison
We all know from tear wrenching songs, books, movies and poetry that most of us won't get through life without experiencing the death of someone close to us. Yet when it happens, there is little to prepare us for the grief and what we're supposed to do about it. We live in a culture that gives us one day off from work to attend a funeral, wake or service - with a mindset that expects us to move on, let go, get over it ASAP - even though grief is the natural emotional response to losing someone we love.
The symptoms of grief
Most people say that unless you have been through it, you cannot describe or even begin to comprehend the all-consuming depth of emotion that is the natural response to great loss. Grief, some say, feels like falling down a black hole. It's a train-wrecked heart that feels like it will never heal, accompanied by insomnia, depression, lack of appetite, and (of course) many tears and confusion. Often there is guilt that makes you feel that maybe you could have done something or perhaps you didn't do enough. Then there's the need to talk about it all to anyone who will listen. It doesn't go away in just days or months.
Time and space
Just how long does grief last? That's individual, say the experts. Members of a family may grieve for the same person in different ways, at different speeds, with different intensity and in different waves of feeling. No one can run away from grief. Without mourning our loss we end up carrying grief around. This can play havoc on our emotional lives, causing long-term anxiety and depression that can affect our ability to love and live well in the future. Because life is for living, we have to believe that living with bottled up grief is not what our loved ones who have passed on would want for us.
Good grief
Sometimes we have to knowingly put off grief, because we're too busy planning the funeral or bills need to be paid or we don't have anyone to listen to our stories and memories and mourn with us. Even with other stresses, it's imperative that we make time to face our grief early on. For some, grief tests our faith, challenges us to make changes, makes us believe we're insane, or forces us to take better care of ourselves.
Stages
Grief, no matter how you feel it or work through it, is a journey that sociologists agree comes in stages:
1) Shock or denial
2) Explosive reactions
3) Despair and disorganization
4) Acceptance and reorganization.
We must all go through this journey in order for grief to pass. It's also important to understand that there are deaths and losses we never really get over. Instead, we learn to live with the memories of our loved ones - parents, siblings, spouses, children, friends and pets. In healing, we find that our memories have taken the place of their physical presence with us and they will live in our hearts and minds - in peace - for the rest of our lives.
Always remember when dealing with grief, it's not always going to be this grey.
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